Ellen Rogers

I died last night.

I died last night.
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13/08/15

***NB, I wrote this and removed it from this post because now I canÔøΩt connect to these feelings, but in the interest of honesty and my own personal sense of transparency I repost themÔøΩ***

I died last night.

It was a long time coming and IÔøΩd hoped it might have happened sooner. I died under KeirÔøΩs hands, he knew my pain and he pushed me over the edge IÔøΩd been hanging on.

I wasnÔøΩt there any more, I had given up, and there was no person to love. No passion, no conviction, no motivation. My depression was killing me.

IÔøΩd ruined a manÔøΩs life. I wasted 10 years of a manÔøΩs life and I was consumed with guilt.

For months IÔøΩve wanted to die. I fantasied about dying every day for weeks, plotting who I would leave my stuff to. Every time, my lifeÔøΩs work, my legacy was handed back to Tobias. A repayment. ÔøΩMy life for yoursÔøΩ, I thought. I canÔøΩt love you as you need to be loved but I can give you my life, itÔøΩs all I had and I considered it worthless anyway.

Every day for months IÔøΩd think these things, Keir would come to me and say, ÔøΩIÔøΩm worried about youÔøΩ there isnÔøΩt anything left in you anymore, nothing to loveÔøΩ He knew, that all my thoughts where entrenched in guilt. He said ÔøΩyouÔøΩre 20% human, 80% guiltÔøΩ He knows me well.

I break down in fits of hysteria and pain and the little boy in Tobias thatÔøΩ I loveÔøΩand I feel IÔøΩve abandoned became a part of me. Something I love unconditionally. I hope to forgive myself for the pain I caused him.

ÔøΩ

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