Ellen Rogers

I died last night.

I died last night.
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13/08/15

***NB, I wrote this and removed it from this post because now I can't connect to these feelings, but in the interest of honesty and my own personal sense of transparency I repost them***

I died last night.

It was a long time coming and I'd hoped it might have happened sooner. I died under Keir's hands, he knew my pain and he pushed me over the edge I'd been hanging on.

I wasn't there any more, I had given up, and there was no person to love. No passion, no conviction, no motivation. My depression was killing me.

I'd ruined a man's life. I wasted 10 years of a man's life and I was consumed with guilt.

For months I've wanted to die. I fantasied about dying every day for weeks, plotting who I would leave my stuff to. Every time, my life's work, my legacy was handed back to Tobias. A repayment. My life for yours I thought. I can't love you as you need to be loved but I can give you my life, it's all I had and I considered it worthless anyway.

Every day for months I'd think these things, Keir would come to me and say, I'm worried about you there isn't anything left in you anymore, nothing to love He knew, that all my thoughts where entrenched in guilt. He said you're 20% human, 80% guilt He knows me well.

I break down in fits of hysteria and pain and the little boy in Tobias that I love and I feel I've abandoned became a part of me. Something I love unconditionally. I hope to forgive myself for the pain I caused him.

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