Ellen Rogers

Night

Night
Hanacotton1 I'm in pain. That's the most honest thing I can say. I'm separated right now that's another honest thing I can say, from what I dont know fully. I have no desire to be seeking comfort in men right now. No desire to cover these wounds. I've been terrible. I've been angry, disillusioned, jealous, oppressive and deeply insecure. I've been jealous and insecure creatively and it's that which I'm most embarrassed. My failure in relationships (given my actions) seems almost laughably predictable because I've been blindly foolish. But my failure as an artist feels unacceptable. Art to me is a road to divinity, the thing that connects me to everything else and holds me. ÔøΩI'd always hidden from the fact that I've always sensed in art and sex I could never fully hide, where everywhere else I could show defences, there I am unable. I could not hide from the divine (or whatever you want to call it) and as a result I've abandoned myself and in turn I have not been a living person who can love confidently and be loved confidently in return. I'm frightened, deeply disappointed in myself and in need of forgiving myself too. For the resentment I have caused in those I love and the hole I've created in my own heart and chest. In order to be a good friend or to ever have a single fighting chance of being in love again. I need absolutely to throw myself into the black hole I'm facing. I've been your unreliable narrator for so long, I've lied to myself for so long, but now I'll learn to dance, sing and feel the searing embarrassment and foolishness I've always run from, but secretly desired. And I'll look upon loneliness as I will look upon death too, with the deepest love, and reverence for everything I've suffered and everything you have suffered too. I'll see you then, my love, whoever you are.ÔøΩ When I feel no shame and I do not fear uncertainty. I genuinely have prayed for this honestly, now I will act out my gift, in clichÔøΩd fits of tears and wild hysteria. ÔøΩ Nb. I took this photo 5 years ago, when I should have confronted myself; shortly after my Mum died, but I was unable to. I see in this photo my own feelings at the time. This is as honest as I can be. I want now to be consumed by this. Martina & Kris. Thank you.

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