One day of my recent diary... that I'm willing to share
I met him again, all boozy and stinking of fags. He handed me an antique postcard heÔøΩd sat on earlier in the day. ÔøΩI got this for you.ÔøΩ He said handing it to me, ÔøΩYouÔøΩve sat on it for me tooÔøΩ I replied. ÔøΩHave you been casting spells on me?ÔøΩÔøΩ I hadnÔøΩt - Obviously. Instead; IÔøΩve been feeling and watching the sea beneath me move, where here every bit of inspiration and thought inaccessible but so close by passes me like traffic. IÔøΩm letting myself be distracted by men but itÔøΩs a decoy. They are a beautiful wiry story I fall for, when in conflict- I feel true to the pull of the sea, watching its movements so better to use it, connect to it- sway with it. Be myself, authentically and without the veil separating me. ItÔøΩs not dark enough Ellen, God, youÔøΩre so cheesy sometimes. I continue to watch myself. I step out. I go to the Post Office and I sit with a cat in the Co-Op car park. HeÔøΩs preternaturally beautiful and healthy looking, I lay with him outside in awe as he rolls; I play with him, all the while cooing at him and fussing him.ÔøΩ On the way back I play on a swing. I leave when a young family arrive and assume theyÔøΩd find me odd, a woman in her 30ÔøΩs swinging on her own quite intensely- in a dumb way. I try not to be purple, floral - contrived but it makes me self conscious when IÔøΩm running from hyperbole. Why the need to be real? When thatÔøΩs an affectation too? And what good is authenticity if you do it for superiority? ÔøΩFor self betterment, who in the universe do you need to impress that much? I ask whatever it is behind my perception that filters these questions and listens quietly/silently. I fear the judge with no judgment who needs not the pitter-patter of my mindless rumination or anything else for that matter. I donÔøΩt know why I make these images anymore but also, I do! ItÔøΩs a *felt* sense of sincerity that I struggle to articulate. And as the days pass I struggle to get out of bed too. ItÔøΩs not sadness anymore in as much as it is exhaustion or a form of forgiveness-kindness to myself for the mindful marathons and mental extortions I run. A lifelong battle of ÔøΩwhy I do I need to be up again?ÔøΩ so I lay down again and relief and guilt pass over me. ÔøΩShouldnÔøΩt I be at work or something?ÔøΩ ÔøΩI seem dramatic and the shades and hatred wash over again and again and again. Religion as daft and holy, of taking the vicar to the train station and he hangs in the seat and tells me I am beautiful. I believe he meant it as confused encouragement. Beyond his fallible humanity is the essence of a person touched by the relief heÔøΩs lost, it gives him reason to search on. He is the puzzled look of a faint memory of complete peace and equanimity combined with the closeted inability to admit that heÔøΩs worried he may never find peace again. So in unconscious reassurance I find myself worshipping in my darkroomÔøΩs caustic chemicals expounding my automatic actions into what I consider beauty- the vapid conduit in which I conduct transendace; in a bid to express *my* lost connection, IÔøΩm haunting the idea of peace and serenity that I too once felt- before I was here and after I am here again. NBÔøΩ*For the Americans among me, fagsÔøΩ are slang for cigarettes in the UK.